2004 – Year in Review

POSITIVE

My boys have been my main highlights this year. 

Jake has grown into a lovely little boy with an extensive imagination.  He’s sensitive and caring.  He can be mischievous but not maliciously so.  Quick to pick things up, and not a conventional thinker, he’s a joy to be around and interesting to talk too.  He’s well liked everywhere.   He can get a bit wild and is very stubborn, but I’m so proud of the way he’s turning out.  He’ll be a fine man one day – and one that’s got an entrepreneurial spirit that will give Donald Trump a run for his money one day!

Connor is a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.  He has such a positive outlook on life.  I was concerned about putting him into dagis so early, much earlier than Jake went, but he’s loved it since day 1 and I could see straight away how good it was for him.  The leaders there all seem to adore him and so I’m no longer so concerned about him being left in their care.  He’s growing up so fast.  At the beginning of 2004 he was a baby, now he’s very much a little boy.  He’s on his feet and full of mischief.  He has a delightful chuckle that comes from his stomach.  

What thrills me most is watching the interaction between the boys.  They adore each other.  Jake is so proud and protective of his little brother (who isn’t that much smaller than him), and Connor watches Jake’s every move and looks for him when he isn’t in the house.

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Mikael has been wonderful this year.  Despite everything that has gone on (read below) he continues to support me.  I know that at times I’ve tested his patience over this past year, but he’s still stood by me, and loves me as much (if not more he says!) than ever.  I feel very fortunate to have such a partner.  I’m not sure I deserve it.

+++++

I was able to take Connor to Grandma before she died.  To me this was important.  It was important that I saw her too, so I was able to say “goodbye” – just in case, but it was important to take my baby to see her too.  This was her 4^th  great-grandson and I’m glad that I made the effort to get Connor to her – despite the high cost it would later play with my health.  Isn’t it strange how things can be both positive, and yet negative, at the same time?

+++++

On one time I was hospitalised,  I was very low and not sure how I was going to cope.  I was able to pick up the phone and ask Mam to come out and help take care of the boys, the house and me.  Within 48 hours she was at my side.  How fortunate I am to have someone willing to literally drop everything and get on a plane to be there for me when I needed her.

+++++

I was able to meet Kai in person, not once but twice this past year.  How wonderful to meet with someone you have spent so much time talking too, and finding that the connection is still there in real life as much as it is in cyberlife.   My only sorrow was that the time we had together was so short.  But there’s always next year.  On one occasion I also met up with the men in her life, and that was great because I’m now able to put names to faces, which is good considering one of them is now a major part of her life.  It was wonderful to see our children playing together.  I hope that their friendship develops as the years pass.

+++++

I self-published my first book of writing prompts!   For someone of little self-confidence this is no small feat!  It actually looks quite good and has sold enough copies to present me with a small amount of royalties already!

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I was quoted in a book on parenting!  Not just one quote but four large ones.  I hadn’t known that my quotes would be used until the book turned up and so it was a great surprise!

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I started OceanWolf Studios.  This is a business idea I’ve had for a while now and finally got it off the ground in October.  It’s slowly taking shape, and there’s actually a little bit of money in the account! 

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Did a couple of classes at the adult education centre which were great!  I’ve made two lovely sacks for the boys for their Christmas presents as a result of the textile painting one, and am learning how to write pretty text in a calligraphy class.  I hope to use this skill in my company next year.

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NEGATIVE

2004 has also been a year of personal loss.  Probably more so than any other year in my life to date.  My family is missing 2 very close relatives, and 4 loved but not so close ones.   Uncle Ed, Grandma, Bobby (cousin), Joyce (cousin), Aunty Nancy (great aunt), and Ian (Joyce’s husband).  By far the greatest loss to me was Uncle Ed.  Despite all of his faults, he’s been the daddy in my life since I was 8 years old.  Not having much contact with him meant nothing.  He lived in my heart.  He still lives there but now my heart cries when I think about him no longer there to give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be ok.   Not content with just taking this major player in my life away, Jemma was also taken from me.  My canine baby-girl would have been 15 years old this year and I still can’t talk about her without tears starting.   It’s not that I don’t feel sad that Grandma died, or that I didn’t love her, it’s just that I knew she wouldn’t live forever, and somehow I’d convinced myself that Uncle Ed and Jemma would.   It’s been a year where I’ve learned to fear when the phone rings and Mam’s voice is on the other end of the line.

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The year started with what I thought would be a simple resolution – to not spend as much time at the hospital as I had during 2003.  That year Jake had been in constant treatment for about 4 months, then my pregnancy took up a lot of hospital time, and finally I was diagnosed and treated for deep vein thrombosis in both legs.  By the time 2004 rolled around, I was supposedly clear and everything was looking good.  Baby was healthy.  Jake was being monitored and medicated for his problem.  So, I’d had enough of hospitals to last a lifetime and resolved not to spend much time there in the new year.  It’s funny how fate just takes your little plans and tosses them around isn’t it? 

Apart from numerous trips to the accident and emergency room this year, I’ve been hospitalised four times.  In the early summer I was told that the deep vein thrombosis had returned in both legs and treatment is still ongoing for this.  The hospital stays have all been concerned with this one way or another.  The last stay lasted 6 days and they now think there’s a strong possibility I have something called Hughes Syndrome, or Sticky Blood.  Having read about it, I’m 99% convinced this is what it is, and although it’s not a great thing to have because of the various symptoms, it’s not going to get worse, it’s not life threatening once diagnosed and I know it could have been many other things much more serious, so I can live with this.  It’s meant that I’ve been at the hospital about 2 or 3 (or sometimes more!) times a week for months – so much for the new year resolution! 

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I have been coping much of the year with postpartum depression, that’s been very difficult to deal with.  At times I’ve felt like I couldn’t do a thing right, and that it was a major effort to get out of bed and face the day.  I haven’t been the best mother, or wife, or friend, that I should have been and this distresses me because you cant put back the time already spent.  My frustration has been taken out on myself and at times have had to account for the scratches on my arms from the physical attacks against myself.  I’m ashamed of this and feel that I ought to have been able to control it, but at the time I know that it wasn’t that easy, that I felt that I was watching myself do these things.  The only saving grace from this time is that I never once hurt my children, nor even thought about doing so, and for this I’m truly thankful.  For most of the year I was taking anti-depressant pills which haven’t helped the chronic fatigue I’ve been fighting this year, but I’ve managed to get myself off these.  Turning point was reading Marie Osmond’s book, and see how she reacted with PPD.  From there I was able to see that I needed help and to find it.  I’m not sure that the help I received did any good, but the pills did stop the really stressed out moments, but putting a name to what was happening to me did help a lot because then I knew I was battling with my mind, and I could win that if I just tried hard enough.  Many days I was too tired to actually fight back, but slowly I’ve come out of the tunnel and 2005 looks a lot brighter.

+++++

Because of the various health issues, I haven’t wrote much this year.  I did get Wake Up Writing back on track, and publish an ebook, but wrote no where near what I wanted to.

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Again because of the health issues, wasn’t able to complete my studies and had to withdraw from my courses.  This had a financial implication that really upset me.  I’m disappointed that I wasn’t able to complete my studies this year but I know that one day, I will go back and try again.  Just not for the next few years as I have to shift priorities now.

+++++

Because of the other stuff going on, my house has deteriorated this year to a state I don’t even recognise it.  This shames me greatly.  I haven’t known where to start and put it right, but Mikael made little changes here and there and now the house is starting to resemble more of the home we love again, and less of a shambles.

+++++

Having to spend Christmas here again because of Dr’s not recommending fight just yet with the DVT.  They think that it was the flight I made in the Spring that probably caused the current ones.  I hate that I cant take the boys home for an English Christmas, but am now resigned to the reality and making the best of it.  Mam arrives on Boxing Night, and that helps a lot.

SUMMARY

As years go, this has probably been the worst since I married Mikael.  A lot lost in terms of people I love, self-image, and professional output.  What I know for sure this year though is that I survived it, and I’m ending the year on a positive note which is a good thing, because it means I start 2005 on that same note.

My health isn’t so much better.  Well, my mental health is – there’s still a shadowland which shows itself when I’m tired and stressed but for the most part no longer exists – but my physical health is still subject to much debate.  Having a quasi-diagnosis is extremely helpful to my peace of mind.  I know that this probably isn’t early onset of Alzheimer’s (family curse), and it’s not in my imagination.  I also know how it will be controlled and monitored.  This is all good.  No-one wants to be ill, but if I have a condition, then I can deal with it and give it the priority it warrants, and no more. 

I’m starting the year with the foundation of my company in place.  I have a terrific website, lots of ideas and the time to carry them out.  This year I want OWS to show a profit – it might not be the kind of profit that the small business team wanted, but this will be from my endeavours alone (and the support from Mikael, Mam and Kai!) and what could be sweeter than that.

I leave 2004 a wiser person.  Battle-scarred and tired, but I emerge much as a butterfly struggles of the cocoon which has imprisoned it, shaking out my wings and ready to bask in the sunshine of that new day which is 2005.